“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”--C.S. Lewis

I was afraid of love. After my unrealistic dream of a family failed to work out....I made sure I surrounded myself with those who I suspected were not able to give love. However, once I allowed myself to love and trust Christ...the door opened again....and Love is the way by which 2009 began...and ended. Along with loving though, comes pain.“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”--Thomas Merton. It wasn't until January 2009 that I knew I was ready to remarry my husband...I was ready to be vulnerable again...and to risk everything and...nothing. Most of us spend a life time dreaming and searching for the soul to fit...Joe and I had found each other long ago in high school and for many years were able to have a loving family...that is until life got complicated...and we became fearful. We spent the next 17 years wandering in the wilderness, learning to be grateful for manna...discovering that we were not alone and imitations of love can for a long time make you follow idols. In January 2009 we began to see the unfolding of true love.

Then Bev died...my step mother...who in almost every way was my Mom. Through the years Bev was married to my Dad...she loved me, loved Joe and loved our children. “The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal.”--C.S. Lewis. I continue to miss Bev and I know my Dad is lost...more than ever. He keeps his pain to himself, grudgingly, angrily, shaking his fist at the world...at the God he screams his disbelief to..."damn you everyone!" Dad is one of those people who I love...and whose scripted course did not take into account they are not the ones in charge. “There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way”--C.S. Lewis. My Dad has been trying to have it his own way for some time now...I am pretty sure that it might not be workin' for him anymore...especially after Bev died. My Dad and Bev were suppose to travel the world together, finding interesting places to play golf...then things changed when Alzheimer’s became a reality ten years ago. Dad took loving care of Bev...listening to him, hearing what he did each day for her...let me know for the first time in my life...my Dad had learned the gift of loving...and now Dad is experiencing the pain that comes from loving...we get them both wrapped up in that package called Love...the alternative is to live as C.S. Lewis suggests..." unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

April not only brought celebration of the resurrection of Christ through the remembrance of Easter...but restoration beginnings in our family. I discovered a new baby was going to join us this year. Hearing that precious one's heartbeat at the very first doctor visit made me cry...although a lot of things with family make me cry. I often find myself crying over the things I have missed...mostly because I was being selfish...or just plain scared. Funny how sometimes attention looks like love, jealousy takes on the appearance of security, and obsession can seem like desire. We humans spend years seeking belongingness...and when we fail to find it in another...we begin to search for it in things and places. Funny how we often find what we are looking for right in front of us...where it has been all along. God has been like that...I thought He had abandoned me...but not so...He has been holding me all along. Belongingness has its beginnings with the discovery and acceptance of the unconditional love from my Father. Once I realized and accepted how much I am loved...then I began to love myself and I then belonged.

May and June rushed by and before we knew it Joe and I were standing at our church, full of family and friends, facing our son, who pronounced us once again husband and wife. A few days later we learned Casey would be having a little girl come December. Joy...that is the only word to describe what I was feeling as July drew to a close...However...along with the sunshine, some rain must fall...or how would we ever know what happiness feels like? “We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, ''Blessed are they that mourn.''--C.S. Lewis. The darkness will come as sure as the light...seasons are forever changing and nothing will stay the same...even for a moment...not even the painful moments will last long. Troubling times came soon enough. And remembering God does not promise us a smooth life...in fact, He warns us there are going to be suffering times, has help me not to allow happenings to overwhelm. I have heard this question many times...if there really is a God, then why would He allow some of the terrible things to happen? Like the sudden unexpected death of three year old Cooper? My small mind cannot grasp the plans that God has for Cooper...I just know Coop is with Jesus. But I also realize some other things...this world we live in, we as a collection of human beings, have in many ways influenced outcomes. God gave us free will...remember back in the day...all the way to Eden? Things started out perfect...and for some reason we did not like it that way ...we wanted more and so there we went hanging out with snakes and eatin' apples. Free will gives us some choices in the way we live...but I have noticed that when things get rough with all this free will, we often go crying to God to fix things. I have been there many times...down on my knees, panic praying. I have known many people, including myself, who have had things...well pretty good...and then for whatever reason...sneak a look at where the wild things grow...and when bitten cry out to God...why did you let that happen? Jesus is not going to rescue us from the world...instead He is here to walk us through the world. I have often thought if I am going to question God about the bad things...then I must also question Him about the good things. Cooper helped me to see that I will be thankful for all of it; the good and the bad...both are predictable because I live in the world and I am going to make it through all of it only with my Father who is the giver of great blessings. “If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world”--C.S. Lewis. I am not suppose to remain here, this is the world and its not suppose to be perfect and I am not to be comfortable. In this world, people will get sick, do bad things, make mistakes, the unexpected will happen, moments will contain great joy and greater sorrow and children will die and while I am in this world I will no longer grieve the past but embrace the lessons learned and hold each miracle to my heart, enjoying the gift for as long as God has in mind. It is in heaven where I will find perfection...where in the absence of suffering I will live eternally...but not on my time. I am NOT in charge. “God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain”--C.S. Lewis.

November and then December gave way to family gatherings and celebrations. A wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with Joe and Casey...a tremendous snow storm watched within the warmth of a home anticipating the arrival of Addy...and the enjoyment of Christmas dinner at Joey's has enveloped our family with a sense of closeness as we face together some uncertain times. Not everything is perfect...our family is still healing and some are still lightly stepping...just as it should be. We have things, as a family, we will be facing soon...losses that will from Faith grow miracles in this coming year. “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”--C.S. Lewis. And because I have a light by which I can see clearly...I am no longer afraid to love fully...all that is...just as it is.

2009 ended with love just as it began...Addyson Ainsley Joe Lorance appeared on the 28th day of December...a belated Christmas treasure. She brings hope to us...a renewed sense of purpose to make sure each of us live the life we have been gifted. Each of us in this family will have a purpose in AJ's life...just as we have discovered a connectiveness to each other. I would not be the same without Jay or Cody or Joey or Casey and most certainly not the same without Joe...nor would they be the same without me. Each of us...have a promise to each other and to the children we are raising up. In 2010, I am seeking wisdom...guidance in all things so my life will continue to reflect who I follow. I am never alone and this year, 2010, I begin with my family close around me...all of them...for the first time in many years. I am profoundly blessed.

Wishing you profound blessings in 2010,
Darla